


Bright and Shiny

by Nepthys



Series: Edith and Edna: Adventures in Cleaning [5]
Category: Life on Mars (UK)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-08
Updated: 2010-01-08
Packaged: 2017-10-06 00:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nepthys/pseuds/Nepthys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Innuendo, slashy speculation and saucy gossip with the police station cleaners. Pass the slash goggles, Edith.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bright and Shiny

**Author's Note:**

> Part 3 of the series.

"Urgh, Edna, it smells like a sweaty brewery in here!"  
   
"Pooh! Pass me that air freshener out."  
   
"What did Phyllis say this was all in aid of?"  
   
"Apparently they beat RCS in a footie competition."  
   
"Is that the poncey lot with that chap with the moustache in charge?"  
   
"That doesn't narrow it down much, Edith."  
   
"You can smell his aftershave from about a mile away."  
   
"Oh, _him_!"  
   
"I always think he has a bit of Perry Como about him."  
   
"I don't know _which_ bit, I'm sure. I can't stand him. More slimy than a bucket load of snails."  
   
"That's the one, all right. I'm glad our lads beat them - shame about the mess, though."  
   
"You'd think they'd been playing in here, given the state of the place."  
   
"The muddy football boots hanging from the lights is a nice touch."  
   
"Well, they can bally well stay there, as far as I'm concerned."  
   
"Ooooh – sounds like you got out of the wrong side of bed this morning, Edna."  
   
"Well, honestly. I have enough to contend with, what with my George the way he is, without having to be a flamin' steeplejack into the bargain!"  
   
"Oh dear. Has he not brightened up yet, then?"  
   
"No. He thinks he's got thinning of the blood. I keep telling him it's just a bad cold, but he won't listen. It's all I can do to persuade him not to wear his balaclava to bed."  
   
"Oh, dear. Sounds like Mabel White's husband."  
   
"Go on then. What did he have - thinning of the blood, or a balaclava?"  
   
"Neither; but he wouldn't be parted from his flat cap for love nor money. You'd've thought it was glued to his head."  
   
"Was he the one with the whippets?"  
   
"No, the one with the Hillman Imp."  
   
"Umm…"  
   
"You know, used to be a green grocer."  
   
"Err…"  
   
"He's always carries an umbrella about."  
   
"Hang on – is he the one with the false leg?"  
   
"Yes!"  
   
"Honestly, Edith, you might have mentioned that bit sooner…"  
   
"Sorry, I was a bit distracted trying to get the mud off this chair."  
   
"Hmm. Ooooh – look at this. There's a football shirt in this bin!"  
   
"Urgh. I wonder how it got into that state."  
   
"Hmm. I can understand the grass stains, but how you get bloodstains from playing football is beyond me."  
   
"Is it young Christopher's? Poor lad. If I'd been there I'd've put a bandage on it for him!"  
   
"Edith!"  
   
"Or a bag of peas for his swelling!"  
   
"Edith!!"  
   
"I might even have kissed it better!"  
   
"_Edith Watson_,_ shame on you!!_ Anyway, I doubt it's his - Phyllis said they put him in goal. I just hope it's not Ray's – he's supposed to be going out with that lass from the newsagents this weekend and she's not the sort to be impressed by a bust lip."  
   
"Speaking of newsagents – I haven't told you the big news!"  
   
"What, have they finally started stocking _Woman's Realm_?"  
   
"No! Well, yes, but that's not the news. Marjorie says that her sister has seen her neighbours at it!"  
   
"At what?"   
   
"Kissing! In their back garden!"  
   
"No! DCI Hunt and his lodger?"  
   
"Yes!"  
   
"Oh, come on, now. Surely they wouldn't do that in broad daylight!?"  
   
"Well, they did! Apparently, it was last Thursday night – you know, when it was a really nice evening – and they were out in the garden on deck chairs."  
   
"What, just right there in the garden? In plain view?"  
   
"Yes! Marjorie says her sister reckons you can't help but see if you look out the back bedroom window and hold a mirror just so."  
   
"Hmm. She has a lot of time on her hands, Marjorie's sister."  
   
"Well, she's got nothing else to do, you see, what with recovering from that operation."  
   
"Oh, yes. How's she doing?"  
   
"Not bad, but she still isn't supposed to cough or sneeze."  
   
"Mm. So what did they do, exactly?"  
   
"Well, I'm not sure but I think they took everything out - _down there_."  
   
_"What?!"_  
   
"Marjorie's sister. Had to have everything out. You know – a hysteriaectomy."  
   
"Never mind about that, Edith! What about her _neighbours_?"  
   
"Oh! Well, so they were sitting on their deck chairs and apparently the young one from Hyde leaned over - and kissed DCI Hunt!"  
   
"No!"  
   
"Yes! _Full on the lips_, and everything! And they were getting very friendly, if you know what I mean."  
   
"Erm, I'm not sure I do…"  
   
"Oh, well, you know – _roamin' hands_!"  
   
"Very continental. I thought you said he was from Hyde?"  
   
_"Roaming_ not _Roman_, for God's sake, Edna!"  
   
"Oh-hhh."   
   
"Well, apparently then they put their deck chairs back a notch—"  
   
"Yes?"  
   
"--and Marjorie's sister had to go and get a bigger mirror."  
   
"So what happened then?"  
   
"Well, she strained something but the pain's mostly gone."  
   
"Yes, but what happened with _them_?"  
   
"Oh. By the time she came back they'd gone indoors."  
   
"That's a shame."  
   
"Yes, but she shouldn't have been lifting anything in the first place, really."  
   
"She's not the only one – give me a hand with this desk, would you."  
   
"What's this wedged on…Ooof – that's it."   
   
"Oh, charming – a stack of back copies of _Jugs_."  
   
"Blimey, look at this!"  
   
"Edith! Put that down! You don't know where it's been!"  
   
"I've got a fair idea – the pages are stuck together."  
   
"Urgh!"  
   
"At least I've got rubber gloves on this time."  
   
"Well, all I can say is they clearly aren't _all_ queers."  
   
"Maybe not, but we've got an eye-witness now, don't forget!"  
   
"It might not have been what it looked like."  
   
"Edna, really - what on earth could they have been doing, then?"  
   
"Well…maybe that lad was just helping DCI Hunt get something out of his eye."  
   
"Nonsense!"  
   
"It's possible!"  
   
"Rubbish!"  
   
"It could have been!"  
   
"What rot!"   
   
"Well, I for one can't picture a grand upstanding man like DCI Hunt getting up to those sorts of shenanigans with another fella."  
   
"If you can picture 'im _upstanding_ then you're halfway there!"  
   
"Oh, Edith! You are a caution!"  
   
"Well, I'm nearly done here. Could you manage a bite to eat, cos I'm feeling a bit peckish."  
   
"As it happens, I could. How about that greasy spoon just round the corner? I've heard they do a nice cooked breakfast."  
   
"Ooooh, yes, good idea – for some reason I'm just in the mood for a sausage this morning!"

END


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